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Humour.

angusjim

angusjim: Posts : 877
Join date : 2016-05-21
Age : 69

Post n°226

Re: Humour.

by angusjim Sun 27 Aug 2017 - 6:29

What's the most confusing day in Ballingry?

Fathers Day

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What do you call a burd from Oakley in a white tracksuit?

The Bride

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What does a Lochgelly lassie use as protection during sex?

A bus shelter

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What do you call a 30 year old High Valleyfield Girl?

Granny

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Whats the first question on a Kelty pub quiz?

"Whit you looking at?"

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Two Kirkcaldy neds in a car with no music, who's driving?

The Police.

Campbell Brodie

Campbell Brodie: Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland

Post n°227

Re: Humour.

by Campbell Brodie Sun 27 Aug 2017 - 8:37

Ah. typical Angus jealousy of Fife! (Though some of them may be true!) lol!

angusjim

angusjim: Posts : 877
Join date : 2016-05-21
Age : 69

Post n°228

Re: Humour.

by angusjim Sun 27 Aug 2017 - 8:40

Campbell Brodie wrote:Ah. typical Angus jealousy of Fife! (Though some of them may be true!)

Campbell Brodie

Campbell Brodie: Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland

Post n°229

Re: Humour.

by Campbell Brodie Wed 30 Aug 2017 - 18:23

Mcqueen

Mcqueen: Posts : 30546
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 70
Location : England

Post n°230

Re: Humour.

by Mcqueen Wed 30 Aug 2017 - 19:10

Campbell Brodie

Campbell Brodie: Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland

Post n°231

Re: Humour.

by Campbell Brodie Fri 1 Sep 2017 - 18:49

"Big shout out to hard of hearing batsmen".

angusjim

angusjim: Posts : 877
Join date : 2016-05-21
Age : 69

Post n°232

Re: Humour.

by angusjim Sat 2 Sep 2017 - 7:43

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"

Campbell Brodie

Campbell Brodie: Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland

Post n°233

Re: Humour.

by Campbell Brodie Sat 2 Sep 2017 - 9:03

Campbell Brodie

Campbell Brodie: Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland

Post n°234

Re: Humour.

by Campbell Brodie Sat 2 Sep 2017 - 10:03

Campbell Brodie

Campbell Brodie: Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland

Post n°235

Re: Humour.

by Campbell Brodie Sat 2 Sep 2017 - 12:31

angusjim

angusjim: Posts : 877
Join date : 2016-05-21
Age : 69

Post n°236

Re: Humour.

by angusjim Sun 3 Sep 2017 - 7:53

A woman and a man from Aberdeen were stranded on a desert island after a shipwreck. Their clothes were in rags and their food running out.
‘I suppose it could always be worse,’ said the woman. ‘Oh, aye, it could,’ agreed the Aberdonian. ‘I might have bought a return ticket.’

Campbell Brodie

Campbell Brodie: Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland

Post n°237

Re: Humour.

by Campbell Brodie Sun 3 Sep 2017 - 19:17

Campbell Brodie

Campbell Brodie: Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland

Post n°238

Re: Humour.

by Campbell Brodie Sun 3 Sep 2017 - 19:29

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Adam Mint

Adam Mint: Posts : 23101
Join date : 2011-10-07
Age : 59

Post n°239

Re: Humour.

by Adam Mint Sun 3 Sep 2017 - 21:32

What does the label in Essex girls nickers say,,, NEXT...

Campbell Brodie

Campbell Brodie: Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland

Post n°240

Re: Humour.

by Campbell Brodie Mon 4 Sep 2017 - 10:16

Mcqueen

Mcqueen: Posts : 30546
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 70
Location : England

Post n°241

Re: Humour.

by Mcqueen Mon 4 Sep 2017 - 11:22

Campbell Brodie

Campbell Brodie: Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland

Post n°242

Re: Humour.

by Campbell Brodie Mon 4 Sep 2017 - 17:52

Campbell Brodie

Campbell Brodie: Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland

Post n°243

Re: Humour.

by Campbell Brodie Thu 7 Sep 2017 - 16:48

searcher

searcher: Posts : 7625
Join date : 2012-09-18
Age : 80
Location : edinburgh

Post n°244

Re: Humour.

by searcher Thu 7 Sep 2017 - 20:07

silly billy

Campbell Brodie

Campbell Brodie: Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland

Post n°245

Re: Humour.

by Campbell Brodie Fri 8 Sep 2017 - 17:30

Adam Mint

Adam Mint: Posts : 23101
Join date : 2011-10-07
Age : 59

Post n°246

Re: Humour.

by Adam Mint Fri 8 Sep 2017 - 18:25

Some years back before these eyesore wind farms were splattered everywhere I'm driving with my girlfriend from England to Scotland for the weekend, in a field at the side of the motorway there are about three turbines spinning away, girlfriend says what are they ? I say, "They're the propellers that keep the world turning, they have them situated in remote places all over the word",,, then about ten minutes later she pipes up, "They're not really turning the world are they"...

I just love dumb blondes...