Joke Thread

A woman who attacked a cash machine in Wiltshire with a high-heeled stiletto, is being sought by police.

The cash machine, outside Barclays Bank in the Market Place in Chippenham, was struck "almost 50 times" by a woman shortly after midnight on 2 July.



BBC Link

Can you please do me a favour? - should only take a few minutes









Hi,


It is that time of the year again.


I need a small favour ... I wouldn't ask this if you were not such a good friend.

I am going away on holiday, and I need a friend to drop by to water my plants while I am gone.
The plants are mostly geraniums and begonias.

If it's not too much trouble, in the hot weather they'll probably only need water once a day.

I'll be gone only a week. I've attached a photo for your reference. I'll send you a post card!


Thanks so much.







THE LADDER IS IN THE GARAGE.


Ta.

mermaid wrote:This is funny

Nick Helm's password joke is Edinburgh Fringe funniest



The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."


2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."


3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."


4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."


5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."


6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."


7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."


8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."


9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."


10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

BBC News

The Lone Ranger wrote:

Nick Helm's password joke is Edinburgh Fringe funniest



The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."


2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."


3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."


4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."


5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."


6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."


7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."


8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."


9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."


10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

BBC News

Tom was working in the garden this weekend and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower. Tom realized that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife indicated that she understood and signaled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.
Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replied,

Scroll on - it is worth it,

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"Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"

A Rope and Two Knots

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was
a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After
the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road,
the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are
them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why
can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again
the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers
again, "Them horses, they’re roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" Finally
they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get
ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each
other’s bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers
her husband’s penis. "Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?" "Well, darling"
he chuckles proudly, "That’s ma’rope!" She slides her hands down
further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks."Honey,
those’re my knots!" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her
husband, panting a little, asks, "What’s the matter honey, am I hurting
you?" "No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ....
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR ....
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a field?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

And my favourite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '

Mermaid wrote:
A Rope and Two Knots

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was
a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After
the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road,
the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are
them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why
can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again
the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers
again, "Them horses, they’re roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" Finally
they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get
ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each
other’s bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers
her husband’s penis. "Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?" "Well, darling"
he chuckles proudly, "That’s ma’rope!" She slides her hands down
further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks."Honey,
those’re my knots!" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her
husband, panting a little, asks, "What’s the matter honey, am I hurting
you?" "No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Mermaid wrote:
A Rope and Two Knots

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was
a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After
the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road,
the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are
them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why
can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again
the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers
again, "Them horses, they’re roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" Finally
they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get
ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each
other’s bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers
her husband’s penis. "Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?" "Well, darling"
he chuckles proudly, "That’s ma’rope!" She slides her hands down
further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks."Honey,
those’re my knots!" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her
husband, panting a little, asks, "What’s the matter honey, am I hurting
you?" "No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Oh Mermaid you dark horse you

I got this in a email a while back and thought it would be good to put on here

It has been reported that the man who died as a result of a shark attack on his honeymoon last week didnt suffer too long........

He'd only been married 10 days

A vicar is having a w*nk in his bedroom.

As he finish himself off , he turns round to see the window cleaner staring at him.

Red-faced he rushes downstairs just as he hears the knock on the door,

"I've done your windows vicar. That will be £100" says the window cleaner with a wink and a sly smirk.

Hurriedly the vicar pays him and shuts the door quickly.

The vicars wife who had been listening yelled "£100 for four small windows? He must have seen you cumming"

Nice Innit.