IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE
AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book
called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually
said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
the exchanges were
taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was
the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He
said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why
did that upset you?
WITNESS: My
name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What
gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:
Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
sexually active?
WITNESS: No
, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in
what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget..
ATTORNEY: You
forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now
doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The
youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:
He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you
present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are
you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the
date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what
were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:
Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had
three children , right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many
were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were
there any girls?
WITNESS:
Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was
your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By
death..
ATTORNEY: And by
whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:
Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He
was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this
a male or a female?
WITNESS:
Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this
is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor ,
how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All
of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your
responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:
Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you
recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The
autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr.
Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If
not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are
you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor,
before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you
check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you
check for breathing?
WITNESS:
No..
ATTORNEY: So, then
it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can
you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see,
but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book
called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually
said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
the exchanges were
taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was
the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He
said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why
did that upset you?
WITNESS: My
name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What
gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:
Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
sexually active?
WITNESS: No
, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in
what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget..
ATTORNEY: You
forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now
doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The
youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:
He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you
present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are
you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the
date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what
were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:
Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had
three children , right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many
were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were
there any girls?
WITNESS:
Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was
your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By
death..
ATTORNEY: And by
whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:
Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He
was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this
a male or a female?
WITNESS:
Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this
is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor ,
how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All
of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your
responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:
Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you
recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The
autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr.
Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If
not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are
you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor,
before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you
check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you
check for breathing?
WITNESS:
No..
ATTORNEY: So, then
it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can
you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see,
but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Sounds like a great day out to me. I love anything like that, The educated leading the riff raff,