We've all had trouble
with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one
:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No
matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks
I'm lying...
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason
but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply
mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to
coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to
explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly
because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little
kitty.Initially, the new
acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I
was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me
from the kitchen .
'Honey !
The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it
..'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through
the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself
!'
'But I'm scared !' she persisted. 'What if it starts
going and sucks me in ?'
There was a meaningful pause and
then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I
came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would
make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely
cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my
head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember
performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the
corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment
when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed,
with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine
region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight
or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight'
option; I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air
when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact
knocked me out cold..
When I awoke, my wife and the
paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things
in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked
in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having
been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they
tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical
laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through
it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where
colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept
silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it
was.
'What's the matter ?' They all asked,
'Cat got your tongue ?'
If they only knew
with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one
:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No
matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks
I'm lying...
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason
but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply
mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to
coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to
explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly
because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little
kitty.Initially, the new
acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I
was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me
from the kitchen .
'Honey !
The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it
..'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through
the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself
!'
'But I'm scared !' she persisted. 'What if it starts
going and sucks me in ?'
There was a meaningful pause and
then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I
came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would
make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely
cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my
head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember
performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the
corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment
when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed,
with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine
region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight
or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight'
option; I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air
when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact
knocked me out cold..
When I awoke, my wife and the
paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things
in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked
in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having
been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they
tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical
laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through
it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where
colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept
silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it
was.
'What's the matter ?' They all asked,
'Cat got your tongue ?'
If they only knew
