A month of madness in Tenerife

Sometimes i dont know who is driving my life, but it sure isnt me, so it all started with the guy who looked after the apartment next to mine sticking his head over the wall, Reg the owner is selling this apartment would you consider buying it   I looked across at Janet and she glared at me with those dont even think about it eyes   So that was it game on It didnt sound cheap but when he said it had a garage too that was it, I just paid €30k for mine and normally they are €40k, so i thought blox i can sell the garage and then it is a cheap apartment,
Now things have changed in Tenerife, you cant bowl up to the notaria with a sack of cash anymore, well not all of it .
So the bank want proof of income and the notaria wants proof of payment ie a cheque for the declared amount,
When i got to the complex i made a bee line for the local gossip, 1 the security guy and 2 the lifeguard, not 12 hours later the local scally letting agent collard me, suddenly he was very nice to me, i smelt a rat, sure enough he explained that if he bought the garage before it was in my name i would save on the purchase tax and fee's, and he can speed the process up because he has friends in high places, come to my office said the spider to the fly, bring your NIE and passport and see if you can get a copy of the escitura, I had the escopia simple so all was well, he needed the numbers from it, now the guy selling the gaff was a financial advisor to the owner and control freak as big as they come, I forgot to tell him the plan until all sat round the table in the notari, it was on a need to know basis and i thought its feck all to do with him, plus i had the guys friend as my side kick and he hated this financial advisor, so what could possibly go wrong, all seated and we kicked off, then i introduced the garage purchaser, and the finance guy said whoa this is not in the contract, i piped up the object of the exercise is to get the old kid his money and today thats what will happen, he says i'm a bit surprised that you are even dealing with this guy after what i have heard about him,
I said sometimes one has to swim with sharks to achieve what we all want out of this deal, the old kid who was like the indian out of one flew over the cuckoo's nest and never said a world, leant over and grabbed my arm and said good boy deal done,  
Big savings all round and the financial advisor looked like he had just been run over, a moment to treasure for me and his friend, .
More on the refurb later, It was frustrating but what a laugh with my new spanish friend, who i made project manager, may aswell put a child in charge

When's it ready to rent, and what dates you out so we know when to avoid...

Then i asked the security guy if he knew a decorator, I do this by raising my voice and waving my arms about, Sure enough a guy that looks like a decorator turned up, he had a look round and wrote down €750, not cheap i thought but i didnt have time to fanny about, well it turned out he was the worst decorator i ever come across, but he came in handy as a go between with the bathroom guy and the aircon guy and the patio door guy, all the lot of them were completely useless and it beggars belief how they make a living, now i tend to swear a lot when dealing with idiots, example, i said to the decorator, can your wife take up some curtains, sure he said  , so we marked them up and he took them home, he turned up next day with them and i said can you put the pole up and hang them, yes no problem says pedro, I came back from foraging to be told the curtains dont meet in the middle, No no no you spanish kent, you have the brackets right at the ends so they wont meet, so i sorted that out when he went home, i then finished the painting at 10 pm also, next day i gave him the safe to fit, will you be ok with that job, sure no problemo  , i gave him a new drill bit, the correct plugs and bolts etc, well he decided the drill bit wasnt long enough and used a 12 ml 18" long one out of my tool bag, so when he had finished you could see into next door 
No no no you spanish kent, in the end i had to cut a broom handle down to fill in the hole and drill in to that, now when i looked at what the others had done i just said wankers and made a hand gesture,
Pedro picked up on this and i heard him say more than once "No no no you spanish kent or wanker,
So at the end of it all when we did get finished i had been laughing most of the time, worth every penny really, so my new friend took a parting photo of the pair of us, and as he drove off he shouted out of his car window " Hey red, Wanker and gave the hand gesture now i hope he never understood the meaning of it all, but i have a sneaky feeling he may have 
winner of the wanker of the week had to be the patio door people, I looked at the first ones and asked WTF are those, the curtains are stronger than them, economical he said, Who asked for economical take them out, so off they went and returned the next day with tripple locks, not bad i thought until i went outside and discovered they had turned the doors round and stuck 2 plates over the old holes  , take them out i said and feck right off, tomorrow they said, they never turned up, so thats how i left, told them i was off next day so 
Anyway thats Tenerife for you, complete madness if your in a hurry 

Feck me! I couldn't handle that hassle!

Janet says i thrive on it, Adrenalin or something first punter in on friday  Next

Reg I used to know a guy??? who acted as an agent/keyholder  few years ago , he was pretty useless once he was taken down from the xmas tree but he knew a few good tradesmen Germans mainly, his name was Philip Limpwrist and I'm sure he had something to do with TRG

I used a guy called Hans for a while, he just upped and vanished tho, shame really he was good at most things, I had 3 weeks start to finish, so i wouldnt get anybody at short notice that was any good, Never heard of a Phillip the bathroom guy couldnt understand why the shower head wouldnt stay in the holder  he had the hose the wrong way round, my god i thought 

Next time call Paul PJ Elect.  He can do all jobs, plumbing, painting, electrics he is doing my tiling - not the cheapest but excellent work and comes exactly when he says he will.  Started off as a 1 man band and now has 6 or 7 working for him and guess what ALL LEGAL

I remember him from TF days. He always had a pretty good rep.

he cant make sausages though