Humour.

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bar stewards

me at the dancing...

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How to translate the Glaswegian dialect...

1. “It got a bit lively.” – The police were called.
2. “I might have overdone it a wee bit with the drink.” – I don’t remember anything after midnight.
3. “The night got away from me.” – I don’t remember anything after 10pm.
4. “I was drunk.” – I don’t remember the last three days.
5. “He’s no the worst.” – He is the worst, but he’s a mate.
6. “He’s a mate.” – Someone you used to pal about with and still feel oddly loyal to despite rarely seeing them.
7. “We used to pal about.” – We used to get pissed together.
8. “He’s gone a wee bit Edinburgh.” – He’s convinced he’s the best thing since Jesus.
9. “I’ve basically quit the fags.” – I’m down to less than a pack a day.
10. “I have the odd one when I’m drinking.” – I’ve started having booze with every meal so I can have a fag.
11. “I’ve got an empty, fancy coming over?” – Would you like to help wreck a house?
12. “He’s a good guy, he just has a wee problem handling his drink.” – He’s a bam who once tried to feed a Greggs sausage roll to a police horse.
13. “She’s totally minted, no doubt about it.” – She sometimes has a new bag.
14. “He’s a bit much.” – He never shuts up and his voice goes through your head like a drill.
15. “It’s hard to say when it’s likely to finish up exactly.” – Don’t expect me back before dawn.
16. “Aye bouncer, I’m just out: I’ve only had a couple of pints.” – I’ve had eight pints, three shots, and two vodka Red Bulls.
17. “What school do you do to?” – Are you a Tim or a Hun?
18. “Who do you really support?” – Are you a Tim or a Hun?
19. “What’s your favourite colour?” – Are you a Tim or a Hun?
20. “I’m not that fussed about the football.” – I hate football more than anything on Earth, please stop talking about it.
21. “So, you see the game?” – Football is my only topic of conversation.
22. ‘“I’ll come for one.” – I’ll need to be dragged out of the pub in six hours.
23. “Fancy a couple after work?” – I’ll need to be dragged out the pub in ten hours.
24. ‘It’s a bit wet out.” – Half of Glasgow is underwater.
25. “It’s Baltic out there.” – Sauchiehall Street looks like a deleted scene from Frozen and all the pigeons have solidified.
26. “Old man pub.” – The clientele have one foot in the grave and smell like it, but it’s cheap.
27. “What’s this place worth?” – I’m from London.
28. “He’s a patter merchant.” – He talks an unbelievable amount of shite.
29. “He’s a bottle merchant.” – He’d run away from his own reflection.
30. “He’s a wind up merchant.” – He’s addicted to taking the piss.
31. “I’m no saying he’s clatty but…” – He’s got a massive and worrying personal hygiene problem.
32. “It’s some day!” – It’s above ten degrees.
33. “The brass neck on her.”– She has no concept of shame.
34. “There was hunners of folk there. Hunners!” – There were about thirty people there, possibly less.
35. “You free for a quick swally?” – You’re my best friend and I urgently need to talk to you.
36. “That film? It’s alright.” – I cried with joy all the way through.
37. “Aye, no bad looking.” – They are totally, utterly gorgeous.
38. “Jog on pal.” – I’m thirty seconds away from battering you.
39. “Aye right.” – You’re talking shite.
40. “He’s the numpties’ numpty.” – Even idiots think he’s an idiot.
41. “I got dingied but I’m no fussed.” – I was stood up by my date and I’m utterly devastated.
42. “You’re the most beautiful lassie in this place.” – You’re the nearest lassie in this place.
43. “Aye, I’m nae bad.” – I’ve just won the lottery.
44. “Aye, I’m nae bad.” – I’ve just been told I have a week to live.
45. “He’s doing my head in a bit.” – He is the most annoying arsehole in history.
46. “Thank you driver.” – Please stop the bus so I can get off.
47. “He couldnae batter a fish.” – He’s as weak as a kitten and as much use in a fight.
48. “I’m getting right into the healthy eating.” – Sometimes I don’t have an extra portion of chips.
49. “She thinks she’s all that.” – She cuts about like she’s a mixture of Beyoncé and Nicola Sturgeon.
50. “He’s nae idea when enough’s enough.” – He has no sense of personal boundaries and zero self control, which is why he’s your best pal.
51. “He’s a bit of a blether.” – He couldn’t keep a secret to save his life.
52. “Did ye, aye?” – Did ye feck.
53. “Away tae feck!” – Don’t talk shite.
54. “She’s looks like a bag of boiled shite.” – That girl isn’t very pretty.
55. “Ah belong to Glasgow.” – I may be drunk, but I genuinely love it here.

Queer lot up there

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