December 1987 I got a serious earache, Rang the quack 2am, 4am he turned up, He was sat outside listening to the cricket ?, Pakistani he was, So i went outside and asked if he would like to come in. 
, Stuck a wotsit in my ear and said you have an infection, NO, Temp was sky high too, Take these he said and come see me tommoro, Well i was up all night, talk about pi**ed off, Went later that day, He said take these, Now blox i said, I want action NOW, He said you can see the ENT specialist but it will cost you private today, do it man, So off i went to this big posh house and Dr Ghandi came to the door, Ah Come in Reg, Into his private surgery i go,
Tut Tut, thats serious sinus infection you have? Sinus ? Gets on the phone and barks a few orders, Drive to the hospital Reg i will see you there ?, Right 2 ways of doing this, Antibiotics drip and sit still for 2 days, Or i cut your ear drum and wash your sinuses with salt water while your awake, not nice, But you can be home for christmas tommoro, So i went for the cold turkey, So 3 staff with buckets and i mean buckets of salt water poured down 2 funnels brayed up each nostril, In one end and out the other, It came out of my eye sockets and ears, i was throwing up, Deep joy i thought, then put to bed until 10am next morning, Ghandi turned up, had a check over then said you need to come back next week you have pollips ?,So i had the opp the week after, Thats ones no fun either, Had them removed another 3 times over the next few years, Then 1997 after a check up it got more serious, I had a tumour -Bugger, But then Ghandi said heap big trouble Reg, We need to take it out attached to the bone or it will grow back, This means going in through the roof of your mouth, Removing a 2" square from your left eye socket down to your jaw
and across both ways, with the tumour attached, Do it once do it right, Or it will come back,-bugger, I said will you spoil my good looks. Dont worry he said the plastic surgeons these days are very good, Great i thought, how reasuring, Anyway its been a long time now, i seem to have beaten it, Had check ups every 3 months, All clear, Last time i rang to see him the nurse went quiet when i asked to see him, I'm very sorry to tell you but Mr wotsit died, Died ? what of, Brain tumour she said, We found him slumped on his desk, He knew he had it but said nothing, Because it was inoperable, Feck me, Who's a lucky boy, Theres more ha ha, I went for an eye test a few years later, The optician asked if i had trouble with anything ?, I told him about the tumour and what they did to get at it, I'm very sorry he said and left the room, in walks a nurse and puts her arm around me, Now i know i can pull but i never met this bird before, She says would you like some tea, now i twigged he saw something behind my eyes, In walks the big chief surgeon from the eye department, Chinese he was, Tin pot lid or something they called him, He gets the camera thing and has a look, Sits back and smiles at me, then bollocked this underling into the corner, Have you never seen bear tracks before, how long have you been qualified, Who passed you, Get out i will deal with you later, I'm so sorry reg if he scared you, If he had asked me i would have told him, I knew i had them, I left the hospital skipping, Another close shave, so any of you lot been or had a serious illness ?, This story was brought on by my mug shot, I thought my face looks lived in, It has been, And i'm gratefull to be here,
, Stuck a wotsit in my ear and said you have an infection, NO, Temp was sky high too, Take these he said and come see me tommoro, Well i was up all night, talk about pi**ed off, Went later that day, He said take these, Now blox i said, I want action NOW, He said you can see the ENT specialist but it will cost you private today, do it man, So off i went to this big posh house and Dr Ghandi came to the door, Ah Come in Reg, Into his private surgery i go,Tut Tut, thats serious sinus infection you have? Sinus ? Gets on the phone and barks a few orders, Drive to the hospital Reg i will see you there ?, Right 2 ways of doing this, Antibiotics drip and sit still for 2 days, Or i cut your ear drum and wash your sinuses with salt water while your awake, not nice, But you can be home for christmas tommoro, So i went for the cold turkey, So 3 staff with buckets and i mean buckets of salt water poured down 2 funnels brayed up each nostril, In one end and out the other, It came out of my eye sockets and ears, i was throwing up, Deep joy i thought, then put to bed until 10am next morning, Ghandi turned up, had a check over then said you need to come back next week you have pollips ?,So i had the opp the week after, Thats ones no fun either, Had them removed another 3 times over the next few years, Then 1997 after a check up it got more serious, I had a tumour -Bugger, But then Ghandi said heap big trouble Reg, We need to take it out attached to the bone or it will grow back, This means going in through the roof of your mouth, Removing a 2" square from your left eye socket down to your jaw
and across both ways, with the tumour attached, Do it once do it right, Or it will come back,-bugger, I said will you spoil my good looks. Dont worry he said the plastic surgeons these days are very good, Great i thought, how reasuring, Anyway its been a long time now, i seem to have beaten it, Had check ups every 3 months, All clear, Last time i rang to see him the nurse went quiet when i asked to see him, I'm very sorry to tell you but Mr wotsit died, Died ? what of, Brain tumour she said, We found him slumped on his desk, He knew he had it but said nothing, Because it was inoperable, Feck me, Who's a lucky boy, Theres more ha ha, I went for an eye test a few years later, The optician asked if i had trouble with anything ?, I told him about the tumour and what they did to get at it, I'm very sorry he said and left the room, in walks a nurse and puts her arm around me, Now i know i can pull but i never met this bird before, She says would you like some tea, now i twigged he saw something behind my eyes, In walks the big chief surgeon from the eye department, Chinese he was, Tin pot lid or something they called him, He gets the camera thing and has a look, Sits back and smiles at me, then bollocked this underling into the corner, Have you never seen bear tracks before, how long have you been qualified, Who passed you, Get out i will deal with you later, I'm so sorry reg if he scared you, If he had asked me i would have told him, I knew i had them, I left the hospital skipping, Another close shave, so any of you lot been or had a serious illness ?, This story was brought on by my mug shot, I thought my face looks lived in, It has been, And i'm gratefull to be here,
,
