Now this is a tricky one, The young lady M who put me in touch with Amber the stripper, A lad i worked with in the early 70's, Bit of a brown nose sort with the gaffer, Had short man syndrome, Always made a big show of everything, And a shite mechanic too, Well mid 90's i had a sign written van, He spots it and rings the mobile at the traffic lights, Reg look left its Andy from Blah blah garage, Feck me i thought while smiling at him.Pull over, Oh god do i have to still smiling, Gets out, Hello Reg long time no see, i wonder why i thought, We must go out, Oh no please i thought, Anyway he turns up with M, Who's a foot taller than him, And 20 years younger, He's been left loads of property by his father, So he's rich, And M knows it, So were sat talking over old times, i notice M looking at me with mischief, Janet is used to it so no problems there, We go out a lot, we go to the lake district in our campers, We go to Goodwood, tenerife etc, this go's on for a few years, Then she bins him, But she still comes with us, I didnt mind, Janet got on with her, One dinner time she turns up at my place, Strange look in her eyes, Proceeds to undo my trousers and gets on her knee's, Feck me M what you doing ?, I thought you liked me, well i do but you got it all wrong, get up women, She starts wailing, Pack it in , Forget it, See you later, Few days later i went to get my car mag, And when i got back to my car she is sat in it, i never lock my cars, Its cheaper, So she starts making threats, What she's going to tell janet etc, Bugger, Anyway i got rid of her, And went to see my brief, He said you must tell the police and i will send her a letter, So i did, I dont know if they had a word or just put it on file, In the mean time Janets father die's, so i wasnt going to tell janet untill the dust- 
Settled, A few weeks later Janet perks up and i told her, She was ok about it, Told her i went to our brief etc, About 3 weeks later the Police turn up and drag us out of bed probably 11,30 ish, Yes i said what do you want, The detective says to me i can tell by your demenor you was expecting us ?, So i thought right you clever git i'm having my money's worth, I said i wouldnt trust your judgement, He said oh i why is that, So i said what with that aftershave, how much was it a pound a gallon, Well his side kick nearly burst out laughing, The detective now bright red said "we shall see how clever you are at the station" Hear that janet, threatening me about what he is going to do to me at the station, I never said that, yes you did, Whats your name and rank to his side kick, Er Er, Dc smith, Right your a witness in front of my wife, So you will repeat that in court, Right DS jones, Dont they teach you to take control of the situation from the start, You have lost it already, Lets go,
So in the car on the way out of town to another police station, he says whats that all about, You come to my house and get me out of bed and ask me that ?,The trouble with you lot is you deal with criminals all day, So you think everybody is a criminal, You havent even told me whats going on, You will find out he said, Oh thanks i said, In the mean time lady detective has taken Janet to one side to quiz her about M, so she knows whats been going on, At the station i get booked into my suit for the night, Bang go's the cell door, I thought blox get my head down, So i'm fast asleep, then the prize idiot wakes me up for some bright light treatment, It went like I'm DS idiot in the room with me is DC dont laugh, and Mr joe bloggs, I thought who's joe ?, But i didnt say anything, So he starts with the questions, Do you know M, Yes, What is your relationship with M, Friend, Is that all, Yes, I dont believe you, I dont care, She has made a complaint, Really ?, Dont you want to know what it is, Will it make a differance, Look i think if you had told me back at my house, i could have shown you a letter my brief sent her weeks ago about her behavior, But no, you come barging in like the sweeny, So this interview go's on for about 90 minutes, The mans a clott, i said do you really get payed for this ?, then he says on tape, "right Joe bloggs are you sattisfied with the questioning so far, No, Why, Because i aint Joe Bloggs, He had the name of the person that M had said was involved, A prize clott, He stood up with steam coming out of his ears, And threw the tapes across the room, and left, Then the nice lady detective said Reg do you want a ciggie, sure i said, So we went in the yard and sparked up, I thought hey up, Good cop bad cop time, She starts smiling, What i said. She says i nearly wet myself at your house, Pound a gallon, Well have you ever smelt anything like it, Ha Ha, Reg she says "Kidnap is a serious offence", KIDNAP, Who's been kidnapped, Joe Bloggs she says, What him that was me for 90 minutes, Yeh, Well why dont they tell you whats going on, "Procedure"she says, Well i was in bed as you know, Not tonight she says, this afternoon, Then she shuts uo, Ive said too much already, Yeh right, So back in my cell for another few hours, Gaffer gave up on me and in come another DS , right Reg, it is Reg yes, How much you worth ?, Whats that got to do with anything ?, Just answer the question, Dont know i said, Your not skint are you he says , No i'm not, Right it think your a mister big and you set this up, Well i started laughing, He said you dont seem too bothered, I'm not i said, Nothing to be bothered about, Well mr bloggs is terrified, Who the feck is Mr Bloggs, The man you had kidnapped, Taken into the country and stripped naked and covered in unleaded ?, I started laughing again, its serious he said, Im sure it is, But you watch too many films, Can i go back in my cell i'm tired, Because i'm diabetic, Well all hell broke loose, they sent for a nurse, then went to get my tablets, After that episode later on that day, they started with the questions again, They took my phone, computor, Cctv recorder, Then that night they realised M had been telling porkies, No apologie, No sorry or kiss my arse, i dont know if they did M for waisting police time or what, A sad ending to a freindship, Red hair you see, Bit strange, Brief said sue them, Nah, I'l settle for zero respect,
Settled, A few weeks later Janet perks up and i told her, She was ok about it, Told her i went to our brief etc, About 3 weeks later the Police turn up and drag us out of bed probably 11,30 ish, Yes i said what do you want, The detective says to me i can tell by your demenor you was expecting us ?, So i thought right you clever git i'm having my money's worth, I said i wouldnt trust your judgement, He said oh i why is that, So i said what with that aftershave, how much was it a pound a gallon, Well his side kick nearly burst out laughing, The detective now bright red said "we shall see how clever you are at the station" Hear that janet, threatening me about what he is going to do to me at the station, I never said that, yes you did, Whats your name and rank to his side kick, Er Er, Dc smith, Right your a witness in front of my wife, So you will repeat that in court, Right DS jones, Dont they teach you to take control of the situation from the start, You have lost it already, Lets go,So in the car on the way out of town to another police station, he says whats that all about, You come to my house and get me out of bed and ask me that ?,The trouble with you lot is you deal with criminals all day, So you think everybody is a criminal, You havent even told me whats going on, You will find out he said, Oh thanks i said, In the mean time lady detective has taken Janet to one side to quiz her about M, so she knows whats been going on, At the station i get booked into my suit for the night, Bang go's the cell door, I thought blox get my head down, So i'm fast asleep, then the prize idiot wakes me up for some bright light treatment, It went like I'm DS idiot in the room with me is DC dont laugh, and Mr joe bloggs, I thought who's joe ?, But i didnt say anything, So he starts with the questions, Do you know M, Yes, What is your relationship with M, Friend, Is that all, Yes, I dont believe you, I dont care, She has made a complaint, Really ?, Dont you want to know what it is, Will it make a differance, Look i think if you had told me back at my house, i could have shown you a letter my brief sent her weeks ago about her behavior, But no, you come barging in like the sweeny, So this interview go's on for about 90 minutes, The mans a clott, i said do you really get payed for this ?, then he says on tape, "right Joe bloggs are you sattisfied with the questioning so far, No, Why, Because i aint Joe Bloggs, He had the name of the person that M had said was involved, A prize clott, He stood up with steam coming out of his ears, And threw the tapes across the room, and left, Then the nice lady detective said Reg do you want a ciggie, sure i said, So we went in the yard and sparked up, I thought hey up, Good cop bad cop time, She starts smiling, What i said. She says i nearly wet myself at your house, Pound a gallon, Well have you ever smelt anything like it, Ha Ha, Reg she says "Kidnap is a serious offence", KIDNAP, Who's been kidnapped, Joe Bloggs she says, What him that was me for 90 minutes, Yeh, Well why dont they tell you whats going on, "Procedure"she says, Well i was in bed as you know, Not tonight she says, this afternoon, Then she shuts uo, Ive said too much already, Yeh right, So back in my cell for another few hours, Gaffer gave up on me and in come another DS , right Reg, it is Reg yes, How much you worth ?, Whats that got to do with anything ?, Just answer the question, Dont know i said, Your not skint are you he says , No i'm not, Right it think your a mister big and you set this up, Well i started laughing, He said you dont seem too bothered, I'm not i said, Nothing to be bothered about, Well mr bloggs is terrified, Who the feck is Mr Bloggs, The man you had kidnapped, Taken into the country and stripped naked and covered in unleaded ?, I started laughing again, its serious he said, Im sure it is, But you watch too many films, Can i go back in my cell i'm tired, Because i'm diabetic, Well all hell broke loose, they sent for a nurse, then went to get my tablets, After that episode later on that day, they started with the questions again, They took my phone, computor, Cctv recorder, Then that night they realised M had been telling porkies, No apologie, No sorry or kiss my arse, i dont know if they did M for waisting police time or what, A sad ending to a freindship, Red hair you see, Bit strange, Brief said sue them, Nah, I'l settle for zero respect,
