" I could do it if it were pounds and ounces" she says...it's embarrassing how thick our population is nowadays...
BBC News
BBC News
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Gypsy
Campbell Brodie
6 posters
Brainy Britain?
Campbell Brodie-
Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland
Gypsy-
Posts : 12655
Join date : 2011-08-14
Not sure whether to post this here or in Jokes section I got this from Warbey which I think is funny
WHY TEACHERS DRINK
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) ....... and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wth!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q.... Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
WHY TEACHERS DRINK
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) ....... and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wth!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q.... Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Blyth Spirit-
Posts : 1239
Join date : 2011-11-22
Age : 58
Location : Blyth or on holiday!
Class 
Like the ones that did the rounds about that Les Dennis TV programme which names escapes me.
Name a bird with a long neck....Naiome Campbell.
Like the ones that did the rounds about that Les Dennis TV programme which names escapes me.
Name a bird with a long neck....Naiome Campbell.
Campbell Brodie-
- Posts : 59106
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 69
Location : Scotland
The best two for me were the "Tides" one and the "Seizure" one. Brilliant! Vini Vidi Epi! 
Mcqueen-
- Posts : 30546
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 70
Location : England
And if its up there, I will give you the £10k myself,
Mermaid-
- Posts : 10439
Join date : 2011-08-14
Location : Scotland
this has made me giggle
Gypsy-
- Posts : 12655
Join date : 2011-08-14
I like the one on getting a mortgage. McQ can confirm that is how he got his 
Topdog-
- Posts : 21262
Join date : 2011-08-13
Age : 65
Location : England
Where is Marseilles, a foot above the knee.