Report on holiday to Gran Canaria.

Well, it didnt start well. Check-in conveyers were broke at Brum airport so plane was 2 hours late taking off. The airport was a total mess, queues everywhere, thousands of people queueing once to check in and then again to put their cases on the outsize luggage conveyer. Impossible to see end of any queue ffs. A total shambles. Good job IS didnt find out about it.

dont take much for it to go tits up 

That's a report on Birmingham airport...how was Gran Canaria?

I'm not going to make long posts because they have a nasty habit of disappearing......... Anyway, sun was shining nicely when I got there. Autoreisen tried hard to make me look gay by providing a Fiat Panda in bright yellow.    Ooh, 3 lanes on the motoway!!! Found my hostel easy enough. A surprising lack of youngsters, indeed I seemed to fit in nicely with the average age of the clientele! And much younger than some. The single room was small and basic but was clean as were the shared toilets and showers. Went for a walk to find a decent bar and some English types. Found neither so ended up buying 18 cans of 5% lager from Lidl and consuming them on the steps ouside the hostel which seemed to be what every other fecker did. A black guy turned up who turned out to be Canadian although I thought he was a yank obviously. Do you want some weed? Er, no. Cocaine? heroin? Deffo no, I just drink beer mate. You want woman then? No. I can take you to a gay bar if you like. FFS! At this point I had had enough and told him I was going to get some grub. Be very careful he said. Yeah, card marked.

Next day nice and sunny again. No ill effects from the 20 cents a can beer or the kebab I had from the handily placed kebab shop opposite. Indeed there were 3 kebab shops in the same street. Sadly no fish and chips, chinese or indian. Gran Canaria looks much greener than Tenerife so I decide to explore in the car. Now where I was is very close to the International Centre where sporting types stay and do training and different type of drug taking. Oh dear, bloody racing cyclists everywhere! You struggle to get past them on the twisty roads and then the buggers are trying to overtake you on the way down steep hills. Feck Off you Kents, I'm looking at the scenery! The GC202 west coast road was stunning scenery along steep cliffs into the ocean, seemed to go on forever, made my arms ache. Luckily no cyclists on this bit, just lorries coming at you in the middle of the road. Thought I would be able to see Tenerife but it was too hazy, in fact I never spotted it until we took off in the plane to come home and even then all I saw was Teide sticking up through the clouds. Think I was feeling home sick. Kev was right about the shirt lifters too, they are every bloody where. Luckily they stand out like sore thumbs so you dont accidentally get into conversation with them. More later.........

Told yer, so what Gay bar did you end up in.

Perfectspecimen wrote:Next day nice and sunny again. No ill effects from the 20 cents a can beer or the kebab I had from the handily placed kebab shop opposite. Indeed there were 3 kebab shops in the same street. Sadly no fish and chips, chinese or indian. Gran Canaria looks much greener than Tenerife so I decide to explore in the car. Now where I was is very close to the International Centre where sporting types stay and do training and different type of drug taking. Oh dear, bloody racing cyclists everywhere! You struggle to get past them on the twisty roads and then the buggers are trying to overtake you on the way down steep hills. Feck Off you Kents, I'm looking at the scenery! The GC202 west coast road was stunning scenery along steep cliffs into the ocean, seemed to go on forever, made my arms ache. Luckily no cyclists on this bit, just lorries coming at you in the middle of the road. Thought I would be able to see Tenerife but it was too hazy, in fact I never spotted it until we took off in the plane to come home and even then all I saw was Teide sticking up through the clouds. Think I was feeling home sick. Kev was right about the shirt lifters too, they are every bloody where. Luckily they stand out like sore thumbs so you dont accidentally get into conversation with them. More later.........

Topdog wrote:Told yer, so what Gay bar did you end up in.

None, I would rather stick pins in my eyes.
Talking of bars went to check out the Irish bars on Kasbah Centre on Paddys day, dead as a dodo and the cheeky feckers think they are doing you a favour offering two pints of shite beer for 5€. Came across another bar on the way back at somewhere called Chapperel Centre, an English bar.   Sat there watching some football with beer at 1.5€ which is a bit more like it. Following night found an Irish bar on same complex, same price beer and football or rugby or summat. Appeared to be owned by Spanish with Spanish bar staff. Not an Irishman in sight. They were however friendly which made a pleasant change. Even changed the Spanish football on the tele to English on the Saturday. Next to this bar was a Karaoke bar, oh, handy I thought. Turns out this was a Finnish bar, Scandinavians everywhere by the way. Cheeky bleeders wanted me to pay to get in as I didnt have a ticket. Ticket???? What to see Scandos killing Abba songs? I swerved it. 

landofgrotty next time then

Nope, Tenerife. Went for Chinese in next town, San Agustin. Crap and full of Scandos. Noticed a beach next to a handy car park so went next day. Now this place is like El Medano, always blowing a gale and the surf board gang with sails and parachute type things hang out there. Only trouble is its a sandy beach, like walking into a sand blasting machine. Pointless taking the picnic then, you had to keep your mouth tight shut! Anyway found a beach building for some shelter to watch the young dudes. Just about to give up when a right fit bird turns up with a board and parachute thing. She put wet suit on and wow, even better! Didnt know this but you have to pump up the parchute first. 81 pumps she gave it. I enjoyed every one. Then a bloke turns up and they try to launch it skyward but think the wind was wrong as they gave up. Never mind, I saw the best bit!

you got free digs here.

There are some cheap 3 or 4 day flights coming up on my favourite airlines site over the next few weeks so I shall let you know. Sales are going well here but I cant keep going on a plane all the friggin time, I might miss the English summer. 

You have, it was 35 mins on a Tuesday 2 weeks back.

Last full day in Gran Canaria it was a bit cloudy and as I dont do sitting in the sun it was a good opportunity to visit the dunes at Maspalomas. Now I know what to expect because I have read up on it. Plan was walk through dunes to sea, have a little paddle or swim and get a nice view of all the naked ladies. Well, didnt exactly go to plan. Left car as near as possible, I dont do walking far, to beach and set off with picnic and towel and much water in plastic bag. Looking on Google Earth it appears to be about a 1 mile trek to the shore. Starts off fairly gentle and flat but I soon discover some seed things with needles are entering my sandals, OUCH. Try it barefoot, worse. At this point I notice other peeps have trainers on. Anyway I bravely carry on walking with sandals on but sort of treading different that helps. Now the sort of sand dunes I have encountered in my life are about 6 foot high, feck me these are about 100 foot high plus! After about 500 metres of this I decide to take a rest and take stock. Half the waters gone already.   Then I see a camel train approaching. Tourists aside each side of these camels hanging on for dear life on seat thingys. Not too sure whether I felt sorry for the camels or the punters, each seemed equally bored and uncomfortable. At the same time I realised the round brown things on the sand I had been walking on avoiding the prickly seeds were, yes, camel shit.    Not being a defeatist type I carry on anyway but notice a lot of men mooching about, some naked, one even pulling his plonker as walking along. Nah, time to make a hasty U turn. The seashore was looking not any nearer and possibly an unobtainable goal anyway. Total naked women spied? None.    Now I have also realised I would be totally useless in the Sahara as I have got lost going back. Ended up in the camel depot, Jeez, it costs 12€ to ride these obviously supremely uncomfortable beasts but on the plus side they probably know where they are going.  So, to sum up. If you want to go to naturist beaches to spy naked flesh or whatever and get sunburnt bollocks there are many in Europe, indeed even in Norfolk far more accessible than this.

Been there and fell asleep, woke myself up snoring and 2 german birds laughing

Maspalomas beach,,, I'm saying nothing...

Cocked it up