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Tenerife's Forum of Fun

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Mcqueen
Campbell Brodie
Adam Mint
Perfectspecimen
searcher
zdeekie
3rdforum
tubbytubby
angusjim
13 posters

    Humour.

    angusjim
    angusjim
     
     


    UK Male Posts : 877
    Join date : 2016-05-21
    Age : 69

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by angusjim Sun 10 Sep 2017 - 10:26

    Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are all working on a construction site, building a new skyscraper in London. It's lunchtime and they're all sat atop the building. Englishman opens up his lunchbox to see what his wife has packed him.
    "Ugh... Ham and cheese sandwich... again. Im feckin' sick of ham and cheese sandwiches, it's the same every bloody day. If I get another ham and cheese sandwich in my lunch box tomorrow I'm jumping off the top of this building."
    Next, the Scotsman opens up his lunch box.
    "Aackk, jam sandwich... again. I cannee go on like this eating jam sandwiches every day of me life! If I get the same again tomorrow I'm jumping as well."
    Next it's the Irishman's turn.
    "Ohh for fecks sake! Not another egg and cress sandwich! That's the fourth one in a row this week! I'm with you boys, one more egg and cress sandwich and I'm jumping!"
    So next day they sit at the top of the building to have lunch. One by one they open up their lunch boxes... Englishman finds another ham and cheese sandwich, so off he jumps, and splats into the ground below. Scotsman finds another jam sandwich... Off he goes...Splat. Irishman, egg and cress sandwich... Splat.
    A week or so later later the three widows are talking at the memorial service. English widow says, through tears, "I still can't believe it, had no idea George hated ham and cheese so much, if only i'd known..."
    Scottish widow says "Duncan did say he was getting a bit bored of Jam, but I didn't realise he hated it that much, I just wish he'd have let me know how he really felt."
    Irish widow says "I... I just don't understand... Paddy packed his own lunch."
    Mcqueen
    Mcqueen
     
     


    England Male Posts : 30546
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 70
    Location : England

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Mcqueen Sun 10 Sep 2017 - 11:07

    Humour. - Page 11 2485877773
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Sun 10 Sep 2017 - 16:17

    Humour. - Page 11 21432710
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Sun 10 Sep 2017 - 16:25

    A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.

    The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

    The next day the grandmother died. "Holy Cow !!” thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

    He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

    When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

    She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"


    Adam Mint
    Adam Mint
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 23101
    Join date : 2011-10-07
    Age : 59

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Adam Mint Wed 13 Sep 2017 - 1:22

    Watching a TV program, took this picture of TV screen, so it's official Scottish women are ugly...


    Humour. - Page 11 Image139
    Mcqueen
    Mcqueen
     
     


    England Male Posts : 30546
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 70
    Location : England

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Mcqueen Wed 13 Sep 2017 - 7:43

    And Australian Humour. - Page 11 3025408739
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Wed 13 Sep 2017 - 19:29

    He thinks it's the right way up... Humour. - Page 11 1498946960
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Wed 13 Sep 2017 - 19:51

    Humour. - Page 11 21730810
    Mcqueen
    Mcqueen
     
     


    England Male Posts : 30546
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 70
    Location : England

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Mcqueen Wed 13 Sep 2017 - 19:53

    Humour. - Page 11 3025408739
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Wed 13 Sep 2017 - 20:02

    Humour. - Page 11 21433110
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Fri 15 Sep 2017 - 17:08

    Humour. - Page 11 14369910
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Sat 16 Sep 2017 - 9:20

    A man burping at cows. (THe speech bubbles from the cows are the funny bit!) Humour. - Page 11 3025408739

    FB video
    Mcqueen
    Mcqueen
     
     


    England Male Posts : 30546
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 70
    Location : England

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Mcqueen Sat 16 Sep 2017 - 9:52

    Humour. - Page 11 2485877773 Some fruit bats out there  Humour. - Page 11 1498946960 why would you do that  Humour. - Page 11 3025408739
    Adam Mint
    Adam Mint
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 23101
    Join date : 2011-10-07
    Age : 59

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Adam Mint Sat 16 Sep 2017 - 13:37

    Facebook...
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Sat 16 Sep 2017 - 13:40

    Adam Mint
    Adam Mint
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 23101
    Join date : 2011-10-07
    Age : 59

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Adam Mint Sat 16 Sep 2017 - 13:48

    good
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Sat 16 Sep 2017 - 13:51

    Humour. - Page 11 21740110
    Adam Mint
    Adam Mint
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 23101
    Join date : 2011-10-07
    Age : 59

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Adam Mint Sat 16 Sep 2017 - 14:22

    One place I lived up in Scotland we had a very annoying (fat) female neighbour, stuck her nose in to everyone else's business, she's got in to an argument with another neighbour (Ann), Ann says to her "If it wasn't for the fact your in such an advanced state of pregnancy I'd knock your teeth down your throat"...

    She knew fine well she wasn't pregnant...
    Mcqueen
    Mcqueen
     
     


    England Male Posts : 30546
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 70
    Location : England

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Mcqueen Sat 16 Sep 2017 - 15:23

    Humour. - Page 11 3025408739 Bam get down
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Mon 18 Sep 2017 - 17:44

    Humour. - Page 11 21751910
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Tue 19 Sep 2017 - 17:27

    I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn

    But after therapy..

    I've managed to conker it.
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Tue 19 Sep 2017 - 17:29

    The urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" is only ever a whim away.
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Tue 19 Sep 2017 - 17:57

    Mum: What's the lion and witch doing in your wardrobe?

    Son: It's Narnia business.
    Mcqueen
    Mcqueen
     
     


    England Male Posts : 30546
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 70
    Location : England

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Mcqueen Tue 19 Sep 2017 - 18:37

    Humour. - Page 11 1498946960 Humour. - Page 11 1498946960
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     


    Scotland Male Posts : 59106
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 69
    Location : Scotland

    Humour. - Page 11 Empty Re: Humour.

    Post by Campbell Brodie Tue 19 Sep 2017 - 18:39

    Humour. - Page 11 4251995413 Humour. - Page 11 3025408739

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