Humour.

I had a piss in the car park once. Blessed relief.

A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR, AND THE BARTENDER SAID,
"HEY, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE. WHAT HAPPENED ? YOU LOOK
TERRIBLE."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" SAID THE PIRATE, "I FEEL FINE."
"WHAT ABOUT THE WOODEN LEG? YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT BEFORE."
"WELL," SAID THE PIRATE, "WE WERE IN A BATTLE, AND I GOT HIT WITH A CANNON BALL, BUT I'M FINE NOW."

THE BARTENDER REPLIED, "WELL, OK, BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT HOOK? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND?"
THE PIRATE EXPLAINED, "WE WERE IN ANOTHER BATTLE. I BOARDED A SHIP AND GOT INTO A SWORD FIGHT. MY HAND WAS CUT OFF. I GOT FITTED WITH A HOOK BUT I'M FINE, REALLY."
"WHAT ABOUT THAT EYE PATCH?"
"OH," SAID THE PIRATE, "ONE DAY WE WERE AT SEA, AND A FLOCK OF BIRDS FLEW OVER. I LOOKED UP, AND ONE OF THEM SHIT IN MY EYE."
"YOU'RE KIDDING," SAID THE BARTENDER."YOU COULDN'T LOSE AN EYE JUST FROM BIRD SHIT."

"IT WAS MY FIRST DAY WITH THE HOOK.."

Meanwhile, in Scotland, the chavs are happy...

Campbell Brodie wrote:

Few year back the petrol tanker drivers went on strike, it's on the news that people are panic buying in the supermarkets so on my way home from work I think I'd better stock up so head to supermarket, the shelfs are bare, no milk, bread, tinned food etc, I start to panic a bit, I get to the beer and wine shelfs and they're full,,, strange people the English...

"The Beast from the East"

Showed before, but I like it...

I'm out in the morning with the bird feed

Annie was feeding two of them regular, got so tame they would feed out of her hand, I told her not to as next thing they would be in the house, loft, etc, eating the wiring, but did she listen,,, No... Then one day screams from her daughters bedroom, ones came in the window,,, then noises in the loft, had to get pest exterminator in, he put traps in the loft and blocked a hole where he thought they were getting in, plus told Annie to stop feeding them, never caught anything but they don't frequent Annie's garden now, pass through occasionally but don't hang around expecting to get fed...