Humour.

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.

I asked “Where’s this stemming from petal?"

A very manly guy walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player.

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg,
he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady asks...

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! CALM DOWN!!!

It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

fab

My boss just announced he’s going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I’ve a hunch it could be me.

Just invented a new flavour of crisps.
If they’re successful I’ll make a packet

Chinese takeaway - £9
Delivery charge - £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers - Riceless.

The only thing flat earthers fear

Is sphere itself

Irish

The boss of a paint company has died of hypothermia whilst trekking across the Antarctic.

Medics say he needed a second coat.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same feckin' elephant.

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