The doctors surgery

Got a letter from NHS today. Bit unusual for me as I dont do doctors and illness stuff. Congratulations on reaching 60 and you can now get Bowel Cancer screening it says. Well, visions of doctor sticking a pinky up my arse and having a good poke about......    So I read on and thankfully I just send a shit parcel in. Phew,,,,,,,, now thats a quality job innit. "Today Ahmed you can start on that pile over there the Postman has brought in".  

I mentioned it a while back Vince, Its like an advent calendar, 6 windows spread out over 3 days, both ends of the stool per day, Great fun - not, Happy 60th  

Educational forum this      

Well its real life, 60 and thats what you get   But its better than getting big C

So help me out here Reg what did you do it in or on? I dont own a bed pan. And what if you have been on the beer or orange juice and its all sloppy, neither an end or a beginning, just a middle.   
I aint too keen on this getting old malarky. What if I give my soul to Jesus? Can I get a fresh start? Got a lovely clever card on my birthday from sister, had a photo of me on a trike with her standing on the back getting a ride. Must have been about 7 as I had no front teeth! Seems like yesterday....  

I have asked all my friends who have turned 60 what there plan of attack was,
We have been crying laughing about it,    You just got to be brave, I'm saying nowt

Oh and one more thing, Start on a monday, because you have 3 days on the trot (Pardon the pun)
So you dont want to end up hanging on to it over the weekend, I started Monday and had it posted off Wednesday  

Joking aside its a good thing really, a big killer I believe. Still seems strange that the Government are actively trying to keep me alive so it costs them even more pension money.  

Okay I have recieved my bowel cancer screening kit so decided today was as good a day as any to start. I was a bit concerned about the collecting side of things but they suggest some bog paper in the palm of your hand so off we go. Blox! A giant semi soft turd appears overlapping the edges of the paper and on to my hand.    Luckily the wash basin is within reach so I deposit it in there clean myself up and proceed to take a sample from what I hope is each end! A right malarky this is turning out to be. Think I might just take a shit in the garden tomorrow, sure it would be easier, it dont half stink when it doesnt go in the bogpan water too!
I may be appearing on Dragons Den soon demonstrating a newly designed turd collecting device. Turd Absurd I think I will call it.

Perfectspecimen wrote:Okay I have recieved my bowel cancer screening kit so decided today was as good a day as any to start. I was a bit concerned about the collecting side of things but they suggest some bog paper in the palm of your hand so off we go. Blox! A giant semi soft turd appears overlapping the edges of the paper and on to my hand.    Luckily the wash basin is within reach so I deposit it in there clean myself up and proceed to take a sample from what I hope is each end! A right malarky this is turning out to be. Think I might just take a shit in the garden tomorrow, sure it would be easier, it dont half stink when it doesnt go in the bogpan water too!
I may be appearing on Dragons Den soon demonstrating a newly designed turd collecting device. Turd Absurd I think I will call it.

Feck me! I'm in stitches here reading this!    Aye, it's a bit of a chore Vince ain't it?   

   I haven't seen a post this funny since Willie Brogan tried to take a dump in the sea and nearly drowned      

Thanks lads, it wasnt really supposed to be funny, just an observation on some of the medical procedures we will all be facing as we advance through life. Being 59 Cam it aint far off for you! I was a bit concerned that peeps may have read it while eating their lunch but shit, what the hell.    This morning I have so far failed to produce a motion    think this may be psychological........

Sounds like I'm more organised. Although I did spend the rest of day thinking I could smell it and had some stuck to me somewhere

  

Sick today. Aches and pains all over. Freezing at the moment but my head feels hot. Wtf??  

3rdforum wrote:Sick today. Aches and pains all over. Freezing at the moment but my head feels hot. Wtf??  

hope you feel better soon

Mcqueen wrote:Sounds like I'm more organised. Although I did spend the rest of day thinking I could smell it and had some stuck to me somewhere

I thought I still could when I picked you up, still age innit.
 Mate of mine took a bird home and was getting down to business in the lounge and the bird says "need the loo". mate says use the kitchen sink it will be quicker and you wont wake me mum up.
25 mins later the bird comes back and mate asks where she has been, she replied, "using the kitchen sink, but I struggled to push me turds down the plug hole".

kidney infection. cant get near a docs til wednesday  

Top forum information again. 

Forum motion.  

  

I have now completed my samples. They are now winging their way to Nottingham University, nice work if you can get it.  

I'm winging my way to the doc's. Not good at all. No sleep. Hot sweats followed by uncontrollable shivers. Thanks heavens for my wife being a nurse with her wonderful beside manner, not!

hope you feel better soon

3rdforum wrote:I'm winging my way to the doc's. Not good at all. No sleep. Hot sweats followed by uncontrollable shivers. Thanks heavens for my wife being a nurse with her wonderful beside manner, not!

 Sounds like sunstroke to me, go to bed and watch some football.