Jokes

"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?'

Lily Tomlin (September 1 1939-)

"Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel'

Ken Dodd (November 8 1927-)

Francois: 'Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?'Clouseau: 'The exploding kind.'

Peter Sellers. 8 September 1925 – 24 July 1980

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.' - Sid Caesar (1922-2014)

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"Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.'

Jim Carrey (January 17 1962-)

"I don't trust that man. Before he gave his business cards out, he shuffled them.'

Red Buttons (born Aaron Chwatt; February 5, 1919 – July 13, 2006)

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

Nick Helm

“The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.'”

Jerry Lewis

"Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are f--king morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes?'

Doug Stanhope (March 25 1967-)

"What’s Postman Pat called on his holiday? Pat.'

Aisling Bea (March 16, 1984 -)

"I'm trying to quit smoking. I've quit everything else, drink and drugs, but smoking's the toughest one. There's not enough immediate regret, is there? 'Oh my god, what was I thinking? I've made getting up stairs pretty difficult in 30 years' time.''

Brendon Burns (April 19, 1971 -)

"I'm Glaswegian. Don't worry, your handbags are safe.'

Susan Calman (November 6, 1974 -)

Wife comes home from her shopping trip into town.
walks seductively towards her hubby,
hi honey she says ,have you ever seen £10 all crumpled up?
no says hubby can't say I have.
she gently pulls back her blouse, puts finger and thumb into her bra and pulls out a crumpled £10 note
she then says have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?
again he says can't say that I have.
she slowly lifts her skirt and pulls a crumpled £50 pound note from her panties.
have you ever seen £25,000 all crumpled up ? she whispers.
can't say that I have says hubby.




Then go and have a look in the garage

"I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be - Thou shalt not covet they neighbour’s ox, except in Scrabble.'

David O'Doherty (December 18, 1975 -)

"It's important to live your life by a motto. I chose to live my life by the motto, 'My enemy's enemy is my friend.' Unfortunately, as it turns out, my enemy is his own worst enemy. So, I have to invite him to barbecues.'

Richard Herring (July 12, 1967 -)

Sign on scaffolding outside the church this morning/

"We are open as normal" "the place is having a faith lift"

"When I was a kid, I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.'

Josie Long (April 17, 1982 -)

"If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.'

Marcus Brigstocke (8 May 1973 -)

"How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?'

Ross Noble (June 5, 1976 -)

“If Adam and Eve can’t make it work in Paradise, how am I going to make it work in Lewisham?”

Sara Pascoe (May 22, 1981 -)

"In your thirties your friends just disappear. I don't mean they die. They all move to Birmingham, which is worse.'

Lucy Porter (January 27, 1973 -)

"I think a lot of people ask 'Are women funny?' but I think not enough people make the statement that black people are funnier than white people.'

Amy Poehler (1971 -)