Jokes

"What Iran needs now is a more modern leader – a mullah lite.'

Shappi Khorsandi (June 8 1973-)

"I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

Bill Hicks (1961-1994)

Kid sent his Dad round to beat mine up, knocked onthe door and Mum answered and guy said his bit and that he was going to give me Dad a slap, Mum broke his nose as he tried to push herout of the way. Dad came home and the blokes wife pissed herself laughing as she had acuppa with Mum.

"If there are 10 copycats on a boat and one of them jumps overboard, how many copycats are left? Answer - none"

Darragh O'Kelly (2008 - )

[img][/img]

Recognise that, car park entrance. Not that I have ever used it, you have to pay FFS!

3rdforum wrote:"If there are 10 copycats on a boat and one of them jumps overboard, how many copycats are left? Answer - none"

Darragh O'Kelly (2008 - )

" />

"A big girl came up to me after a show and said, "I think you’re fatist." I said, "No, no. I think you’re fattest."

Jimmy Carr (September 15 1972-)




(I'm going to have to Google this...I don't know what "fatist" means! )

I get it now!

"Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, "Boy, the food at this place is just terrible." The other one says, "Yeah I know. And such small portions."

Woody Allen (December 1 1935-)

You'll have to explain that one to me???

Food's shite but they're complaining about the size! As if they'd eat it if there was more...

to be sure

"I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.'

Sarah Millican (May 29 1975-)

"A man on the train said: "That seat is reserved." I said: "Well, it’s been very forward with me." Pulled up my pants and went on my way.'

Lou Sanders

"I've done a bit of Latin in my time . . . but I can control it.'

Eddie Izzard (February 7 1962)

"

I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married."
He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green".
He said: "You can't".
I said: "Why not?"
He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."
I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White."
He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister. Forget about it."
Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?"
I said: "Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: 'You can't, she's your half-sister."
She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"

Max Miller (1894-1963)

"I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, what the bloody hell are you doing here?'

Alexei Sayle (August 7 1952-)

"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.'

Denis Leary (August 18 1957-)

"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?"

Billy Connolly (November 24 1942-

Another Billy one I love, "we went to the zoo with school today Dad and we saw some F,UCKERS", "Teacher called the Heffers but I knew what she meant"

"My Dad used to say "always fight fire with fire", which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade."

Harry Hill (October 1 1964-)

"Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.'

Mindy Kaling (June 24 1979-)

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.'

Billy Crystal (March 14 1948-)

Wonder what the reason is